Light at the end of a tunnel - for now.

4 more days to the end of my confinement! Superrrr happy!

Many have asked me "how is it like being a mom now?". I really must say. When Q and I first decided to try for a kid, I was telling myself "How hard can it be taking care of a baby and being a mom?". And I told myself - "just do it lah..."

Ahem, turned out to be the biggest decision in my life.

I would say, hearing from others about how horrible night feeds are, colicky babies, breastfeeding woes and other mommy woes, it is really different going through it yourself.

1) Someone means more than anything to me

When I heard the first cry of X, my tears fell uncontrollably. I wasn't sure if it was tears of relief or tears of joy. My first words were "Is he alright?" and followed by saying thank you to my gynae & the rest of the drs for delivering him safely.

At that moment, I knew my life has changed forever as I am now more concerned about another life as compared to my own. It's so weird isn't it, for you to want to sacrifice so much for someone you have never met.

When he was first carried to me for our first picture, I didn't really know what to do. "Am I carrying him correctly?" I asked my gynae. He was wailing when they carried him and once he was in my embrace, he stopped. Dr Wong said with the warmest smile: "He recognizes you!"

Tears started to flow again as I posed for the most unflattering shot in my entire life. Hahaha..

2) In conflict with myself & physical insecurities

During my confinement, I wanted SO MUCH me time. I wanted to lose weight, wanted to cut, dye and rebond my hair. Wanted to shape my brows and get a pedicure. Wanted to watch tv without disturbance and catch up on my sleep.

I was feeling VERY insecured about myself as I had put on weight ~ 20+kg mind you. My knees were giving way. Was having massive water retention, had breakouts on my face (like A LOT), had a tummy like I had a 2nd kid inside me that has not been pushed out, stretch marks on boobs, thighs, hips, tummy, etc....

It was alot to take. I was concerned if I was still attractive to the man I love. Even tho he says that I'm still pretty, but I know that my body has changed so much to accommodate the little life inside of me. (To the hubbies out there, support is VERY important to your wives at this period of time!!!)

Next, I sort of dreaded hearing him cry. Should I get up from the bed and check on him? The nanny would have been checking on him. But I just dragged myself outta bed and check on him. When I go out, I feel guilty leaving him at home with the nanny. I feel that there's so much more that I can do as a mother for him. Even as I blog I'm feeling the guilt on leaving him alone in the bouncer with the nanny. I told Q about it and initially I cried because I was feeling SO conflicted with myself.

I hated that I had such thoughts about my own son.

He reassured me that I needed my me time and it's normal to feel this way. I guess so? I guess it would be better as time goes by, I am also learning the ropes and hopefully I can bring him out in future so I can strike a balance between both.

3) He cry, I cry

Many times when he is crying, I have to keep reminding myself that he is crying because that is the only way to communicate with us. I swear there were moments when I felt like crying when he's crying. I guess it's the hormones creeping in - AGAIN.


Well, there are so much more that I wish I could pen down but that's for another time.

feeling bluey.

I've been crying everyday for the past 3-4 days. Been feeling irritated by the confinement lady (CL), my own supply of milk and lack of sleep.

Having a baby is no easy feat. As much as I would like to rest, hearing my baby cry sorta jolts me up from my sleep. Worst still, paranoid me has been hearing my baby cry but only to find him sleeping like a pig. (Woes of a paranoid mother).

Was very upset when my milk supply went down. I think I was overly concerned about the CL's hygiene and overly upset myself. Worst still, she wasn't very helpful with her comments about my milk supply. Broke down, cried and cried like someone has just broken up with me.

However, with some good solid 3-4 hr sleep, my supply went back to normal. I guess I'm just not producing enough milk for my son with the monstrous appetite. After all as Q said, he's a premmie and has some catching up to do.

The pregnancy app is still sending me notifications that "Your baby is 37 weeks today!". Haha, hello application, you're outdated. He's already 21 days old! :)

I know I know, this blog is not gonna be ALL about my fishball. (After all it's named littlekicksnbutterflies).

I hope I still can squeeze in some drinking sessions and date session posts in future :)

Really can't wait for confinement/punishment to end and to get some breather outside. At least it keeps me sane. 

here's some pics of our boy. fishball enough?

Feeling the need to blog.

Was reading my old blog and felt really funny. Din know I had so many drinking sessions. HAHA..

Oh yes did I mention that baby X came early? He decided to surprise us on 3 Oct when my water bag started to leak. Both of us were like "uh, should we be heading to the hospital huh?". Seriously.

Was admitted for 2 days for them to inject medicine into me to mature the baby's lungs. Yes, he is 1 month pre-mature. My EDD was 8 Nov 13. On the 5th, Dr Adelina Wong induced me at 12am. It was HORRIBLE. The stupid observation room was super cold and people were screaming beside you and what not. The bed was uncomfy and poor hubs had to sleep on a chair. I was NOT dilated after 16 hours. Damn it. (Maybe like 1.5cm?).

Was running a fever and X's heartrate started to rise and I ate lunch so it posed as a risk if I were to do a c-sect. Honestly, I was freaking worried that I might lose the baby, or rather he might have some brain damage as my waters have been leaking for 2 days already. I asked for a c sect to get the baby out as I didnt want to risk it.

I know right - what was I thinking asking for myself to be put under the knife. God.

I guess this is what they call motherly instinct? It's weird and unexplainable all the pain I've gone thru for this little fishball.

At 3.50pm, he was delivered via c-section. As for me, I was pretty drugged up and drained due to the amount of drugs in me (Antibiotics, epidural, laughing gas, etc etc you name it).

Now, all is well and little X is getting chubbier each day :)

Thank god for all these.

Now I'm doing my confinement and can't wait for it to END.