4 more days to the end of my confinement! Superrrr happy!
Many have asked me "how is it like being a mom now?". I really must say. When Q and I first decided to try for a kid, I was telling myself "How hard can it be taking care of a baby and being a mom?". And I told myself - "just do it lah..."
Ahem, turned out to be the biggest decision in my life.
I would say, hearing from others about how horrible night feeds are, colicky babies, breastfeeding woes and other mommy woes, it is really different going through it yourself.
1) Someone means more than anything to me
When I heard the first cry of X, my tears fell uncontrollably. I wasn't sure if it was tears of relief or tears of joy. My first words were "Is he alright?" and followed by saying thank you to my gynae & the rest of the drs for delivering him safely.
At that moment, I knew my life has changed forever as I am now more concerned about another life as compared to my own. It's so weird isn't it, for you to want to sacrifice so much for someone you have never met.
When he was first carried to me for our first picture, I didn't really know what to do. "Am I carrying him correctly?" I asked my gynae. He was wailing when they carried him and once he was in my embrace, he stopped. Dr Wong said with the warmest smile: "He recognizes you!"
Tears started to flow again as I posed for the most unflattering shot in my entire life. Hahaha..
2) In conflict with myself & physical insecurities
During my confinement, I wanted SO MUCH me time. I wanted to lose weight, wanted to cut, dye and rebond my hair. Wanted to shape my brows and get a pedicure. Wanted to watch tv without disturbance and catch up on my sleep.
I was feeling VERY insecured about myself as I had put on weight ~ 20+kg mind you. My knees were giving way. Was having massive water retention, had breakouts on my face (like A LOT), had a tummy like I had a 2nd kid inside me that has not been pushed out, stretch marks on boobs, thighs, hips, tummy, etc....
It was alot to take. I was concerned if I was still attractive to the man I love. Even tho he says that I'm still pretty, but I know that my body has changed so much to accommodate the little life inside of me. (To the hubbies out there, support is VERY important to your wives at this period of time!!!)
Next, I sort of dreaded hearing him cry. Should I get up from the bed and check on him? The nanny would have been checking on him. But I just dragged myself outta bed and check on him. When I go out, I feel guilty leaving him at home with the nanny. I feel that there's so much more that I can do as a mother for him. Even as I blog I'm feeling the guilt on leaving him alone in the bouncer with the nanny. I told Q about it and initially I cried because I was feeling SO conflicted with myself.
I hated that I had such thoughts about my own son.
He reassured me that I needed my me time and it's normal to feel this way. I guess so? I guess it would be better as time goes by, I am also learning the ropes and hopefully I can bring him out in future so I can strike a balance between both.
3) He cry, I cry
Many times when he is crying, I have to keep reminding myself that he is crying because that is the only way to communicate with us. I swear there were moments when I felt like crying when he's crying. I guess it's the hormones creeping in - AGAIN.
Well, there are so much more that I wish I could pen down but that's for another time.
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